We all at some point have struggled with self-acceptance in our lives, which has resulted in us being trapped in issues of self-worth because of people who constantly put us down and tell us that we are not good enough, pretty enough and not deserving.
In this case Ayanda is no exception, the beautiful, free spirited and amazing Ayanda opens up more about her journey and reveals the challenges she has endured in her journey to self-acceptance and self-love including being diagnosed with an eating disorder.
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From a young age Ayanda was fat-shamed ruthlessly and inappropriately sexualized in her teen years and that started her downward spiral into her eating disorder and issues of self-worth
She has beenΒ bullied and mocked, all because of her appearance and this experiences of bullying have at some point made her hate herself and question her worth not once but several times.
Being the chubby twin while her twin sister was slim made matters even worse, as she would constantly get remarks such as βwhy donβt you lose some weight and be like your sister? Youβve got such a pretty face, you would be more prettier if you shed some weight she saidββ
βFrom hearing all those remarks made about me I started seeing myself as different not in some specialΒ or a positive way but rather a negative way, I
Hated myself, I would go days without looking at myself in the mirror because seeing myself made things even worse βshe added.
Ayanda couldnβt accept herself, she felt horrible, felt unworthy and undeserving and started having issues with her confidence, Ayanda being born as a very outspoken and self-confident kid ended up being very shy and quiet, so in grade 9 she started distancing herself from her peers, and would just be by herself and food.
When things got worse…
βI ate every time, I ate my sorrows away, I ate all the silly comments and harsh comments people would make about my appearance and before I knew it, I had an eating disorder, it was no longer about me being hungry in order to eat but more of me being bored, sad, hurt, broken and angry to eatβ, she said.
This went on for years till she came to the realization that she was actually dealing with so much more than she could understand, but when she started realizing that, it was a little too late as she had gained a lot of weight and was even depressed.
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Instead of stopping with the overeating, I ate even more, for in the back of my mind I thought βthe damage has already been doneβ.
“The constant pressure, ridicule and judgment my entire life about how I looked had become my worst nightmareβ. She added.
Things got worse before they could get better…
When she was doing grade 12, Ayanda suffered a stroke and was admitted for 4 weeks at the hospital, and the Doctor came to the realization that Ayanda had a Binge eating disorder and that she was overweight, the Doctor told her if she didnβt lose some weight she would die.
βHearing the doctor utter those words broke me, it broke me because at that very moment I could notice what my hate towards myself did to me, I was the one who was going to die and not the people who made me feelΒ worthlessβ. She said.
Journey to self-loveβ¦
From that moment Ayanda decided that she was going to make better choices to change her life, βit wasnβt an easy journey, on some days I felt like giving up but it had to be done if I wanted to live, I watched what I ate, cut my portions, limited my sugar intake but for me I was dealing with more than just my weight but also me as a person hence..
I had to practice self-compassion, being patient and kind to myself and affirming in my thoughts and self-talk and once I mastered that I started realizing how amazing of a person I am, and how the world was missing out on this great person because they more focused on my looksβ, Ayanda said.
ββFor the first time in my entire life I experienced self-love, I looked myself in the mirror and said I loved myself, I said to myself I am beautiful, and saying this to myself was reassuringββ
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Throughout her journey Ayanda has come to learn that society really does have the ability to impact oneβs body image but itβs up to you to accept yourself and be comfortable with yourself, the world is already cruel so feed yourself with love.
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Ayanda has started an organization called βI AM WORTHYβ aimed to spark a global conversation about issues of self-worth and self-acceptance among young people and young adults.
